This is something I’ve had major issues with growing up and into my adult life. This has helped in me becoming a ‘people-pleaser’ and very confused on identifying what I’m actually feeling or if it’s what I think others want me to feel. There is a big difference. There have been significant experiences that have helped me to get better with this; the birth of both my children, separating from their father, moving into my own apartment, but I know it’s still hard for me to simply feel how I feel and express it truthfully without needing:
- approval from other people
- justification to make it “okay”
- a way to make it up to someone (because I almost always feel guilty)
“Feeling responsible for a specified wrongdoing.”
It’s funny how often I feel guilty over things that I haven’t actually done “wrong.” I never feel guilty for not wanting to do this (go out on a date with someone) or wanting to do that (become a working actor), I always feel guilty over how someone else will feel about my decisions. I’ve based SO MUCH weight on other people’s opinions I’ve lost myself and feel like I’ve been floating by in life. Aside from those major life events, in which I didn’t care at all what people thought, I’ve tried to conform into being this or that for people who don’t even have their own lives put together. Funny thing is, those events happened to be the most positive decisions of my life.
This is my last year in my 20’s and I’m doing everything I can to figure LIFE out! This has been a big eye opener. I already knew I was a ‘people-pleaser’ but I also knew I was getting better at it. However, thinking about this I know a lot of the times I’m not sure I even know my own opinion on a matter because I’m already 2 steps ahead and being (or pretending to be) what I think other people want me to be.
Not a good way to live life and definitely not a good example for my kids. I know I have a lot of work to do on myself and this process is never-ending but I am ready to figure this out. My identity has always been linked to this expectation, this person, this ideal, this, this, this. Time to strip away those links and just be myself. I read somewhere you can lose yourself in the things you love but you can also find yourself there too. There are few things I am certain of- I love being a mom, I love animals, I love singing, I love being creative. I’m going to stick to those 4 things for awhile and start enjoying life a little more 🙂