Goodbye Summer, Hello Fall
“To be interested in the changing seasons is a happier
state of mind than to be hopelessly in love with spring.
In the Summer season of 2011, my life dramatically changed. I rolled with the punches, got up every morning and put a smile on my face while I went about my daily routine. I’m a positive, drama-free person and that’s the sort of thing us positive, drama-free people do, right? Sure, until I sat back and realized ALL that has changed and then it became clear to me why I feel on shaky grounds, most days.
- Ended an almost 6 year relationship
- Became a non-homeowner
- Temporarily moved back to my mom’s
- Hannah started Pre-School, FOUR days a week
- Answered “Why aren’t we living with Daddy right now?” more than once
- “Dropped off” H&C to “my old” house and had to drive away
- Lost someone I considered a best friend for a reason I still don’t know
- Stopped living with Rexie & my 3 cats
- Someone referred to me a ‘single mom’
In most of these moments, I acted strong and put my game face on. I learned quickly not to express real emotions to certain individuals, or anyone at this point, because it’s safer that way. I grew closer to my kids but am a bit ashamed to say, they’ve seen sides of me I wish they never had to. I privately broke down, many times, and second guessed all my decisions. However, I didn’t want to take the safe route; I wanted to do what I knew was the absolute best thing for me and H&C… and I have. I know the road doesn’t end here and many, many tears are still left to fall but I feel ready for my future.
As the seasons change I say, what feels like, a final goodbye to what I once called my life. I am sad for my children, I am sad for their father, I feel guilty and angry and defeated. I question how I’m going to do this and this and this. I wonder what my children’s opinion of me will be as they get older. I worry about what my family thinks. I guilt myself into believing that feeling okay with this decision is wrong. I even give into childish behavior that I later regret and then I cry about it….alone. I try to block out the last 6 years of my life only to find that it’s impossible, which turns out to be a bittersweet thing- sure, it’d be nice to shut the door completely and hide away from my past but I know by not doing that, I’ll be myself sooner than later. I realized I’m only human.
On the positive side of things, I’ve learned about honesty, trust and not taking my kids for granted. That asking for help doesn’t mean you’re weak, incapable or that you’re using anyone…. it simply means, you are asking for help. And that forgiveness can’t be forced but will come soon. I’ve learned that as much as I want to blame someone for me being incapable of doing certain things that I otherwise would be capable of doing if it weren’t for him, I am fully responsible for the here and now. The past is the past and letting go opens up a whole new world. I still believe in love, family, marriage and happiness. I love the meaning of the word: possibility. I’ve always, always, always believed that anything (and everything!) was and is possible if you work towards your goals and dreams. I guess it’s my turn to start really living that way. Here’s to a whole new chapter in my life: Goodbye Summer, Hello Fall.
“The best years of your life are the ones in which you decide your problems are your own. You do not blame them on your mother, the ecology, or the president. You realize that you control your own destiny.” -Albert Ellis